Have you ever met someone and thought “I wish I could get inside their head”? Well, here is a chance to get inside mine a bit. For some reason recently, I have felt the need to really explain parts of myself and my personality to others to get them to really understand who I am and where I am coming from. I feel like many people around me only see my exterior or have preconceived ideas of who I am that aren’t anywhere close to being true. This is also kind of a healing/development process for me, because in writing things like this, I can really dig into myself and how I feel. So sit back and enjoy the post, or leave now…because this post is all about me (scary, I know).
Even when I was younger, I always FELT different. I compared how others acted and reacted to things, and I never seemed to do what they did. I wasn’t an outcast or had no friends, in fact I had plenty. I just simply knew I wasn’t normal. One of the biggest differences in myself than others, is my ability to feel. My ability to evaluate myself. I call it my sixth sense. I feel absolutely everything. Even on some days when everything is perfectly fine in my world and I am the happiest I have ever been, if I am around someone who is hurting or in pain, I FEEL it to my core. I immediately take on their feelings in a way I can’t even explain. So naturally, I want to fix whatever is wrong. Not only because now I feel all of their negative vibes but also because I HATE seeing people hurt. So, as a kid, I wasn’t super loud or super outgoing. I was contemplative. I was shy. I was pretty quiet. Because there I am feeling all these different emotions from everyone around me and it was hard to digest. Some of you might know exactly what I mean, some of you may think I am absolutely crazy. But it’s like my heart is not inside my body, its just an open wound, gaping and I feel EVERYTHING. So, this made me super sensitive. I cry sometimes for what I feel is for no reason, I feel bursts of happiness for no reason, I hurt sometimes and have no reason. It’s the energies/vibes around me. For a long time though, I didn’t understand that. I thought there was something wrong with me. Now, don’t get me a wrong, I had a lot going on when I was younger that really did affect me and had some issues, but this was different. Everyone would always say I was so sensitive and got my feelings hurt so easily or cried over everything. I always got told to just stop crying because it doesn’t solve anything or “big girls don’t cry”. I got told to stop letting small stuff light my temper up. And you know what, it’s not just something you shut off. And as I learned that and really analyzed my personality and feelings, I realized I don’t really care what other people think. I don’t care if you think I am emotional or crazy or stupid or a cry baby. I own who I am. Because even though it’s not always a positive feeling I am feeling at the time, I love sharing the burden with someone who needs to lean on me. I love helping others. I love being empathetic with everyone. People know I care about them because I actually listen. I actually take time to dive into their feelings (not even by choice really lol) and try to fix whatever I can. Then, sometimes I can’t fix it. And that’s the worst possible feeling I could ever have in the entire world. I HATE HATE HATE not being able to help someone. I hate not being able to fix what is causing people pain. I am not God. And I understand I can’t know everything and have all the answers, but it still sucks. So, then I get sad or frustrated because there is no answer and dammit, I need one. But that’s how life goes so I am still struggling with letting that go and trying to move on (but hey, not everyone is perfect okay?).
Then, there’s my awkwardness. Y’all…its a curse lol. Let me paint you a picture. You are meeting someone for the first time. You have no idea what they know about you from other people or what ideas they already have of who you are in their head. So you walk in the room and greet them with a smile that most likely looks like a grimace because in your head you’re thinking “crap, don’t be awkward, don’t forget to smile, I wonder what they think of me”. But all they see is this person looking a little uncomfortable and who has a grimace on their face. Then you sit down and you’re still in your head thinking “hmm, I wonder what they think of me. Maybe I should talk, but wait what if I offend them? I know my sense of humor is dry. Not many people even laugh when I do, so that will just make me look weird”. And they are looking at you and now you’re just frowning and have not talked for two hours due to the conversation in your head. Then you are on your phone because you have NO idea what to say. The person you are supposed to be trying to talk to thinks you’re bored because you have NO idea what to say and you are really sitting there just thinking that you don’t want them to dislike you.
Do you see this in your head now? Surely by now you get the idea LOL. That’s like my life 99% of the time. So everyone gets this idea that I’m this huge b***h. Because I don’t talk a whole bunch and avoid eye contact because I never know how much eye contact is enough before it gets creepy (sigh). And then there’s also my face. It’s naturally a bored expression or a pissed off one. I can’t help it. It’s my FACE. It won’t change. I try to smile more and then I think I look too fake. Basically, I can’t win either way. No matter where I am, I could be perfectly happy and someone will ask me “what’s your problem?” and I smile and say “nothing” and then they look at me like they don’t believe me so I have to try to convince them I’m not upset. And then I walk away and another person asks me if I am angry and then I do get upset. Because I get tired of having to explain to everyone I’m not angry or upset or sad. I’m content!! Why does everyone have to smile if they are happy? Can’t I just be happy? Lol.
I am not sorry for who I am. Sometimes when I really think about it, it sucks because not many people truly understand me. I have a dry sense of humor. I also sometimes talk with an attitude when I don’t even have one and it gets taken the wrong way. I laugh at the most awkward times, I talk to myself a lot, and I hate hugging people for longer than 2 seconds. But there’s nothing WRONG with me. I am truly happy most of the time. I’m just not one of those jump up & down and scream type of people when I am happy or excited. Every once in awhile I might show a ton of emotion, especially once I get more comfortable around people. But for the most part, that’s who I am. I love that I am different. I celebrate other’s differences too. It’s totally okay to not feel everything that everyone else feels or act like everyone else. I LOVE different people. You should feel comfortable in your own skin to own who you are and be okay with it. And it honestly took me until two years ago to really understand that. I no longer allow people to make me feel bad for feeling too much. I can’t help that my personality isn’t what people think it should be. I’m just Brynn.