I like to think that for the most part, I’m pretty honest, almost to a fault. Of course every human tells little white lies. I’m not saying I am anywhere close to sainthood. But I like to think that even though in some areas of my life I can be pretty private, I’m also very much a “what you see is what you get” kind of person. I like being honest with people about how I feel, what I think and how I react. And I just want to talk about the things I am struggling with recently, not to have someone say “you poor thing” because it’s not that bad, but to see that other people go through stuff and struggle just like them.
Recently, I have felt like I can’t ever catch up. I can’t catch up on sleep, I can’t catch up on homework, I can’t catch up with family & friends, I am struggling. It’s incredible how life works. Some days I feel on top of the world. I accomplish so much sometimes and feel SO proud of myself. I rest. I drink more water. I eat better. I laugh more. And then other days, I beg for the day to end. I wake up and immediately feel dread. I start to get ready for the day and feel sluggish. My body starts to react to the lack of sleep and/or food and I start to FEEL sick. I get headaches. I barely have energy to move from my desk. I don’t like talking to anyone. I just want to work, go home, shower and read a book. I eat whatever I can find at the house or pick up because I’m exhausted and thinking about going to the store and then having to cook just makes me even more tired. Those days I feel like a failure. I feel like I don’t get enough work done, I don’t do homework, I don’t touch my pile of laundry, I suck at being a wife because I don’t even have the energy to do anything when I get home besides lay down. But you know what’s wonderful? Stephen never complains. The few days that does happen, he picks up where I slack off. He cooks a steak and baked potato, he rubs my back, he brings me an ICEE from the gas station, he cuddles with me and let’s me read until my eyes are burning. He understands my need sometimes to just shut off the world. I have said it before but I’ll say it again in case you haven’t read my other blog posts. I feel everything. Every day I go out into the world and I can feel other people’s happiness, their pain, their sadness, their fury, their tiredness. I am so receptive to other’s emotions that by the end of the day if all I was surrounded by was negative emotions, I am drained. So that’s where my bad days come in. I second guess everything I am currently doing with my life. I worry about the future. I stress about not feeling good enough. And that’s okay. I am only human. I will have good days and bad days. Some days I will kick ass. Some days I will barely succeed in combing my hair. There’s a quote I love that says:
“This is life, and it is what it is. And shit is gonna happen. It’s gonna get complicated. We’re gonna relapse. We’re gonna need time-outs. We’re gonna be weak. And we’re gonna be strong. We’re gonna lose our shit and yell for people to get the f*** out of our lives. We’re gonna break down and beg some people to stay in our lives. Some days we’re gonna feel everything at once. Other days, we’re gonna feel nothing at all. We’re gonna be in some bad spaces, and we’re gonna be in some amazing ones. We’re gonna get on our knees crying and hurting and begging for help. We’re gonna get on our knees and pray just to say thanks. We’re gonna have moments when we know exactly what we want, and we’re sure. We’re gonna have moments when we legit have no f***ing clue what we want, and we’re confused. This life shit isn’t a movie, and I think sometimes, we forget that.” -Cici B.
And I love this quote because it’s raw. It’s blunt. It’s true. People get so caught up in making sure everyone thinks they have the “perfect life” and how others perceive them. I like sharing these more vulnerable sides with everyone because I have had some people come up to me and assume I just have everything figured out. They think I am just living the life 24/7 and that’s not the case. I am very happy most of the time. I do feel blessed to have someone to come home to every day. I LOVE cooking. I love sharing about my day with people and connecting with family & friends. But I don’t have everything figured out. I am still clueless sometimes. I lose my patience, I get angry, I get sad, and I sometimes feel completely lost. That is how life works. And if you don’t agree, then you’re just a damn liar. Lol.