The day I found out I was pregnant, I was shocked. Not only that, I was a tiny bit scared and REALLY excited. I for a long time as a teen thought I wouldn’t want kids. I have a very nurturing, maternal personality. I love taking care of people and feeling needed. However, I just thought kids brought on a lot of pressure. I would be responsible for another human being when sometimes I could barely handle myself (teen hormones probably). So when I started to get a little older and more mature, I realized kids were exactly what I wanted when I found “the one”. So, four years ago I did find him. Sure we talked about if we wanted kids and how we would raise them. I mean, I couldn’t parent with someone who didn’t agree with most of my parenting style I thought I’d have. We basically had the same thoughts and agreed when the time was right, we wanted 2-3 kids. Then, this March I found out I was pregnant and I have to guiltily admit, my pregnancy was a walk in the park. I had no nausea, no vomiting, no round ligament pains, etc. I had a little back pain when he was sitting on my sciatic nerve for a couple weeks and I did get tired more easily but I worked up until 4 days before my due date. It got a little harder to sleep at night towards the end, but even that wasn’t that bad. So seeing as how easy my pregnancy was, it set me up to think maybe having a baby would be super easy too….why the heck I thought that, I honestly don’t know.
I ended up having to have a c section with my son and was nowhere close to being prepared for it. I had already gotten the epidural so they wheeled me into the operating room and prepared me for surgery. I begged them to play music so I wouldn’t hear the doctor saying stuff like “scalpel” etc. They turned on some music for me and then Stephen came in to be right beside me as they got Major out. I didn’t feel any pain, but there was SO much tugging and pressure I was pretty sure I wouldn’t have a stomach anymore after they were done. I was honestly terrified. Then once they got him out, they lowered the sheet that was blocking our view to let Stephen look at Major. Well, once they did that and the curtain went back up, it didn’t block the light above me like before. So when I did happen to look up again, I saw the reflection of my stomach open and all my insides in the light. I couldn’t look away, it was like a bad car wreck. I still can’t believe I didn’t freak out more. I just gripped Stephen’s hand and told myself it was almost over as I kept staring at my stomach.
Fast forward a couple hours, we made it to our hospital room and I was exhausted. I had been in labor for 12 hours before I got the c section and I was mentally and physically over the day. I missed my baby getting his first sponge bath because I couldn’t even get up out of bed. But, I did start to feel a little better and I asked them how long I would have to be at the hospital. They told me 3 more days and that did not sound like fun to me. So I asked them how I could leave early and they told me I would have to get up that day and walk around and then they would have to take the epidural out of my back early which they don’t always do. So several hours after, I was up slowly walking around and telling every nurse that came in that my goal was to go home in 2 days. I got the epidural out 24 hours earlier than normal and they put me on some IV meds. I took a sponge bath with the help of my sister and I started walking the hall to show I was capable of moving by myself. I ended up getting to go home Sunday (my goal). But as soon as I got home and everyone left my house that night my heart dropped.
And this is where the main truth of motherhood comes in to play. No one my entire pregnancy ever said “let’s talk about being a mom” “let’s talk about when you bring the baby home”. They always talked about how labor wasn’t as awful as everyone said but nowhere did anyone say what happens after. They all just get super excited for you that you’re having a baby and say motherhood is amazing. You see these moms all over social media making it seem like they have the best, easiest child in the world. They are all liars. Sure, their baby may be a great baby most days but they aren’t perfect. And motherhood is NOT easy. The first night we had Major with us at home, I panicked. My first thought was “what the hell have I gotten myself into”…now hold on, don’t go freaking out just yet. I know that sounds bad but let me finish. I thought “I’m going to be an awful mom, I don’t even know what I am doing and I am now responsible for his life”. My stomach turned to knots and I started crying to myself. I started to stress that I wasn’t normal and shouldn’t be having those thoughts and thought it immediately made me a terrible mother. That is, until I started talking to more mothers. They felt the same way. They had the same thoughts. They panicked, they worried, they were lost sometimes. But no one ever tells you that when you’re pregnant. No one ever explains that it’s totally normal to cry several times a day for the first couple of days because your hormones are literally going WACK. On top of that, I got my stomach cut open and couldn’t even drive or lift anything other than my baby for two weeks after he was born. The first two nights he cried for hours during the night to where I literally couldn’t figure out what to do. I would feed him, change his diaper, burp him, rock him, put him in his rock n play, rubbed his tummy…the list goes on and on. But all he did was wail and wail. My nerves were shot, I was so upset. Not because I was exhausted (because I was) but because I hate hearing him cry. It’s like a kick to the gut every time. And you begin to worry about every single little thing when you have a baby. Is he breathing at night? Is he gassy? Does he have a fever? Does he have to get shots ? (I am pro vaccinations but I HATE hearing him cry after them it’s awful) And then I also had him at the height of flu and cold season so I am constantly lysol-ing the house, making everyone constantly wash their hands, etc. I think worrying does make you a good mom though, it just means you care for your little one but I was in a state of anxiety for awhile. Now, let me tell you something else. What they said was true. Motherhood is AMAZING. It’s rewarding. It’s all about adjusting and learning more about YOUR baby and what they need. Once I started to get the hang of things and allowed people to help me when I needed that 2 hour nap or some time to just breathe for a second, I felt so much better. The love I feel for my son is indescribable. I would die for him. When he cries my heart just hurts and sometimes I even end up crying lol. I sometimes just stare at him for hours as he’s napping or sleeping and just think about how abundantly blessed I am with a beautiful, sweet little boy and an amazing family. I feel whole, like everything I ever went through, the hardships and the good times were all worth it and all brought me to this point in my life. I am already SO excited to watch him learn and grow and see how his personality will be. I love buying him literally every single baby thing I see (which I need to stop tbh lol). I am crazy about my husband now even more because I watch him with our son. His whole face lights up and he kisses him and my heart just melts. Motherhood is beautiful. But the honest truth is, it’s also HARD. It’s SCARY. But it’s so so worth it.
So, I hope if you have a newborn or kids, or if you’re pregnant that you take what I said to heart in this post. Don’t feel bad for panicking at first. Don’t think every night will be as awful as the first couple nights (they are always the hardest). Just know that every day you learn more about your little one and you both start to understand each other. You take note of their cues. You know what to do when they start to cry or seem to need mom a little more that day. You grow up with your kid, I honestly believe that now even after just 2 and half weeks of being a mom I am already noticing me grow. I am also noticing how fast he’s changing every day. It’s an amazing experience and thing to watch. And I know everything will be alright. Just don’t forget to take care of yourself, your baby needs a happy healthy mama and daddy. And if you’re anything like me and you don’t like to ask for help because you’ve always just handled things well on your own, don’t be like that now when you need the help the most. Accept help. Sometimes, you will need to rest or need a break. Let your family and friends support you. Whether it’s watching him or running errands for you because you don’t want to get out of the house with a newborn just yet. It does not make you a bad mother and no one will think you aren’t capable of being a mom. They know how hard it is being a new parent. So please, take care of yourself and don’t let this scare you. This isn’t meant to be negative. This is meant to be honest. To tell you, you will struggle sometimes. Because no one really explained that part to me.